Library:Ivan Kltakln Guidebook

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Excerpts from The Klk’k guide to one’s interstellar locale 12th ed.,
Ivan Kltakln tr. J. Valthorpe,
catalogued Andolian central distribution, 3263




In the beginning, all was NULL – or perhaps it was (void*) – we’ll never really know, so we may as well stop worrying about it and get back to obsessing over how we’d rather be fornicating.

...

Space: n.

  1. That which is between objects of interest.
  2. A rather large, dark, and primarily empty expanse where, contrary to
    one’s initial fears, one is exceptionally unlikely to be eaten by a grue.
  3. The void in which one must travel if one does not wish to spend one’s
    existence wandering around the underdeveloped worlds of minor
    political entities.

...

Rlaan: n.

  1. Humanized representation of the name used by the pair of species from
    the 4th planet in system SCx9362.
  2. Either of the two species from SCx9362. Rlaan are radialy symmetric
    beings with a base four split. Their workers stand about one meter high
    at the prime knee, and are nearly one meter in diameter. Members of
    their warrior caste tend towards being 50% larger in both dimensions.
    Rlaan natively breathe a methane-based atmosphere, and must wear
    special breathing apparatus to negotiate oxygen-nitrogen environments.
    Their skeletal structure, being an exoskeletal carapace supported
    internally by millions of reinforcing struts, is best suited to lower
    gravity worlds, and leads to the use of mechanical assistance on larger
    or denser rocky bodies. What is reported of Rlaan culture appears to be
    a rather dry affair, and their music has been compared to the set of
    frequencies one would expect to register if a Myztherian Octpanther
    were let loose in a campanile. On a more disturbing note, the Rlaan
    central archives possess the largest collection of data concerning Jerry
    Lewis and Yoko Ono outside of Human space. The Rlaan are,
    however, regarded by many of the other space faring races as much
    more intelligent than their culture’s taste in art would suggest.

...

Aera: n.

  1. A member of an intelligent centauroid species from some misbegotten
    hell of a jungle world orbiting SCx62381. The Aera are oxygen-
    nitrogen breathers, with a strong internal skeleton, smooth, ashen-gray
    leathery skin, a decided lack of psychiatric assistance for their
    obviously repressed dissatisfaction with natural ecology, and, at least
    according to the Cult of the Devourer on Mishtal Seven, a flavor
    remarkably similar to that of a human with a high protein diet, but only
    if both have been served with a nice Chianti.